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"I'm Alive!"

Never thought I'd be here again. Alone another day. I thought for sure this was over when we promised each other. When we vowed. I've been here before. Walking the streets with the lonely. Nobody to walk beside us. Nobody to take us in. Wasn't I better than this? Aren't I good enough? Can't I get it right?! Or maybe I wanted this. Maybe I'm just better off with the low. I mean, I've never amounted to greatness, so maybe I never will. Is this what I deserve? Is this what I get? Another day alone. Walking, or stumbling, to get somewhere. Someplace on the horizon, and then I realized there is no end. I've been up high for awhile, that I forgot where it was I started. Low, and alone. You think I can't do it by myself? What you don't know is that I've always done it by myself. It's always just me. There isn't anyone else to count on. So Christmas? Well, it's just another day with me. Everybody else? They always just leave.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: Home

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Yay! I'm married now...and officially my name is Jennifer Ortiz...weird.
we just spent 4 days cleaning our apartment, and we aren't even done yet! Making an apartment into a home is hard, mostly cuz there just isn't enough space.
I love not having to go to work, and being able to do what I want for a few weeks! my honeymoon was awesome! 
none of my sentences make sense. Lol! 
I'm excited cuz allen and I are going to the midnight showing of Transformers! I can't wait to see it! theres going to be a lot of people there too, like 15 of us.
cept my stupid printer wouldn't let me print our tickets so hopefully we can get into the movie with just our confirmation number....?
Ugh...I'm tired. I wish my apartment was clean now. Tomorrow I'll be at it again. =(
Oh well! Gotta go! <3

Current Location: My Room!
Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: Something on Allen's IPod...

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So I'm getting married in 12 days. I'm really happy that I am marrying the man of my dreams. I am also very sad because my best friends and my parents wont be there. I've been thinking so much about what I'm leaving behind because soon enough my life with be joined with someone else. I'm thinking about what I used to be, and the fun I used to have when I was younger. In a lot of ways I used to be happier 5 years ago. I supposed because I had people in my life I trusted and who knew me completely and loved me anyway. Allen is that person for me now, I know. But he is the only one these days.
Lately I've felt that all my relationships, except my relationship with Allen, are so unreal and phony. I feel like I can't be honest with anybody about who I am or what I'm thinking because people just don't understand me all that well. My bridesmaids are nice girls, but they're not who I wanted to be my bridesmaids. They are just filling my true friends shoes. I kind of feel stupid for settling for them but what choice did I have? 
Is it just me or is it that as we get older it gets harder to find real friends? 
I don't know. I'm just tired of putting up a front to impress people because I'm not "acting my age"....I mean dammit! Since when is it UNCOOL to wear graphic tees?! I love graphic tees. One of my bridesmaids laughed at me for wearing my curious george tee shirt! wtf?!! Even Margie told me it was "so immature" to wear certain kinds of clothes...and if anybody understood me, and if anybody was so on my level, it was Margie. But ever since she went to Chicago she's been weird and frankly it's pissing me off. I'm not mature at all I guess. I play video games, still draw cartoons (which apparently is only cool to my students but not to adults), enjoy being stupid and immature, and if I could wear colorful socks that don't match and blue sunglasses all the time I would. I <3 stupid movies like Napolean Dynamite and Anchor Man, and enjoy reading free manga online. I miss being completely happy with who I used to be before college fucked me all up. How do I become that person again?
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. Allen is perfect. I just need a real friend. Not someone who only knows the "mature"/"adult"/"responsible" Jen, but a friend who enjoys my nerdiness too. I mean, someone besides Allen, cuz he's a nerd too. =) 

Current Location: My Apartment
Current Mood: creative creative
Current Music: Wild 94.9

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Sometimes I need a place to sit back, and think about what the fuck is going on. A place most people call home. I guess I don't have one of those. I mean, I live in a house, but it's not my home. You know what I mean, don't you? Where you just can't find that feeling you had a long time ago. That feeling when you were younger and, without even realizing it, you felt safe. I don't have that anymore. Maybe nobody does?
I can, however, honestly say, I feel drunk. Four glasses of wine later and that's sort of what happens. I'm glad though. I have things floating around in my head that I sort of just forget to somehow let out, until it begins to do that thing where it keeps you up all night. Wine gets it out, then puts me to sleep. I suppose that works.
I just  had an epiphany! I can do nothing! Well, I can do some stuff, but nothing well. Don't you absolutely hate those people who can do everything, and then you have to be near them for whatever reason, and then they just start pissing you off? See, I'm getting married in March of 2010....YES! Fifteen months. YES! That's a long time from now....whatever. See, the man I am marrying is great, wonderful, perfect if you will. His sister is one of those people that does everything, and does everything oh so gloriously! Well, fuck. She just has to shove it all over my face so that, I, who can do nothing, will continue my useless existence knowing that there is always someone who can do EVERYTHING you always wished you could do, and do it with few faults. I think I need some more wine.
See me playing pool. I am playing with my husband to be, and his oh so perfect sister. My future father n law has just given us our very own pool sticks, a choice we made out of four options. These aren't any pool sticks. They were custom made from the Philippians. Oh....okay, I pick the one I want. I know which is the better stick. But is it the  better stick? No, the better stick is actually chosen by my later than sooner to be sister n law, and she has cleverly found several ways to let me know of my ill decision. But wait! It is not supposed to be taken as mean...but rather as friendly banter between unrelated sisters....Sounds like a load of heavy, smelly crap was just loaded on my back and somehow it's supposed to make me smell better.
"Oh here my friend! Have some of what I have dished up for you because it's actually going to be GOOD for you! " Believe me friends, nothing that is offered in this entire world is good for me. Rather, it has been designed to destroy me. Yes, that includes your demeaning words and  heartfelt deceit.
I think it's time for some more wine.
Even in a crowd it gets lonely. I don't know you. You don't know me. How is this supposed to be comfortable? It's like wearing skinny jeans. I mean please, they always make you look short and chunky.
But you know, it's not always a crowd of unfamiliar faces that makes you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes the ones that make you the most uncomfortable are the familiar ones. No?
Well, this will have to end all cognitive thought processes for tonight because I just had too much wine and I feel that I should probably go to bed. Eh...I won't remember this tomorrow.

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So I recently remembered I have a livejournal! =D I am surprised to see Debi and Lauren on here, but I am happy to see that you two still use Live Journal! 
I have recently been feeling that I have lost all forms of emotional outlet so I think I will be posting on here more often.
I would post more right now, except I feel really hot and need to get off the computer for awhile. =) 
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Lauren, Umm...I don't think we should go to the concert...i'm scared about the fog. My aunt told me that yesterday there was two deaths because of the horrible fog there and she said it doesn't lift until about 11am...and we would be leaving way before then....I'm kind of scared. I guess that the fog is so bad you can't see at all just a few feet in front of you and all the schools closed down because of it. That's horrible. Umm..I just have a bad feeling about it, and I don't think we should go...I can pay you for the charge for the hotel room and tickets, and we can go see her another time somewhere were we won't have to drive in that kind of weather...I'm SOOOOO SORRY!! I just don't want to get hurt, or to worry my family.
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Okay, So Debi, I had to figure out how to use my Grandma's IMac to tell you this. =)

Happy Birthday!!! Wow! You are 21 now! So I am! That's weird. We are all old now. Oh well. I Guess it was bound to happen. I hope you enjoyed your special day in Rome. We all miss you here. =(

Anyway. Other news. I moved in with my Grandma. My room looks really good. I am proud of it. My Mom, Allen, my Little Brother, and I all fixed it up real nice. I can't sleep in it yet, being that it was my Grandfathers, but I will be able to in a few days I think. I will be more comfortable later.
Tomorrow morning I get to register for classes. My last semester at the SRJC. I can't wait. Then on to real school. =) Yay!

I've been up since 5 this morning. I need sleep. Night all!

And Debi, again, Happy Birthday. *(drink lots of water)
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So I was taking a break from doing History outlines that are due tomorrow! GAh! And I thought I would kill time on the internet.
Internet sucks. THere is nothing to do anymore. How did I ever spend hours and hours on the internet at a time? I'm not interested these days. I Guess I will go back to doing my essay outlines. BLeh.
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I'm a little worried about being able to pay for stuff. My all staring thing was cut short so I lost money there. I guess...I really shouldn't worry about money. I have everything I need. I'm practically not even living at home anymore. I pretty much moved into Allens house since I've been working really close to Daly City for about a month. So living is cheaper right now. I just wanted to get Allen something really good for our anniversary on Wednesday, but I don't think I can right now. I'm going to explain it to him, and get him something later, when I can afford it. I know just what to get him too. =)
Today I am leaving with Allen, his sister, and I think his cousin, for his Dad's house in Woodland. I get to meet his sister who lives in Oregon. I'm excited, but nervous.
I am coming back Sunday night, then Monday morning I get to go with Lauren to see Kelly Clarkson! I am super excited for that! I've been wanting to see her for so long. Yay!
Man, I want to go get some coffee, but I have no money. Oh well.
So yesterday I learned how to play World of WarCraft, and I have a character and everything. She is a priest. Well, I made her for Allen, but then I started playing, so now she is my character.
Margie! I miss you! How are things going? I hope everything is great in Berkeley!
I'm bored. I don't know what to do. Okay, I guess I could do my homework, but it's no due until Wednesday, so I kind of feel like being lazy. Well, maybe I should at least read in my history book. Yeah. That is what I will do.

Current Mood: lazy lazy

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See, I don't have a computer at home! Sorry guys!! I miss talking to all of you though! I don't know whats going on with any of my friends anymore cause I can't read LJ anymore. =( You guys should call me more....lauren!! I miss you!!!
I'm chillin' at Allens house right now. I am trying to get him to get out of bed, because everytime I'm over, we always spend all day in bed. It's stupid...we waste the day sleeping.
...yeah...he is not waking up. I think he is getting frustrated with me now for trying...I will leave him alone. =)
I had a dream last night...and the only part I remember was me walking down the street in the early morning before the sun came up. I was somewhere by my grandparents house at an intersection. I was in front of a stop sign, and I could see outlines of people jogging. Then a car drives up to my left and stops at the stop sign...it was a green Ford Taurus...OMG! It was Lauren!! Only...Lauren doesn't drive a green Ford Taurus anymore...Now...I miss Lauren even more...so when she feels up to it, (Like when her ovaries don't hurt anymore), she should call me.
Whoo Hoo!! He woke up!
Allen is off to work. He woke up 15 minutes ago and works at 11am...it's 10:45am...who does that?!
Oh well. I am going to go back to sleep for awhile. Bye!

Current Mood: chipper chipper

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